Burnt Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 So I have been given the task through my AP English 11 class to construct a definition essay. A little background on the specific task given is that a definition essay ,according to my teacher, can either be about something personal that defines who you are or it can be on an abstract idea or term. Abstract term for example would be "neat or sloppy" if I remember right anyway. I always fall asleep in that class to be honest. Anyways this is a first draft and I am only posting it to give either humor for those who write for a profession or are very understanding of writing, or just as an entertaining read. This was one of the toughest essays I have ever written, the word minimum and maximum created a lot of conflict. Title: Your Choice Your choice was, and still is, wrong. Choices are made every second whether being something as simple as the food to eat for dinner or as complicated as deciding who to spend your life with. Choices none the less are a choice, and as lives are lived there are choices made. (Still working on this shitty intro) As the streetlights dim there became a distant figure standing outside the market on 5th street. This man, stuck in an indecisive state of living, was faced with three important choices that night. The first important choice the man was to make was under the following circumstance; as the man approached the market building, he had heard the faint sound of a distorted chirp. This chirp was not one of a bird singing a song, but one of a bird that had been hit by a car and not tended too. The man was faced with a choice, he would either leave the bird there to die a painful death or the man could put the bird out of his misery. The man empathized for this bird and thus decided to end the pain the bird had been facing. The man continued into the market to face his next important choice of the night. The man began shopping for the dinner he was to cook once he arrived home after his day. As the man was shopping he was approached by a stranger who had been walking the isles of the store all day, this man was a man of God. The man had been soliciting his views of God and giving out information about God and asking strangers to take a leap of faith and attend a church service on the coming Sunday. As the stranger began talking to the man, he had seemed distant from the conversation he was giving, something was wrong. As the stranger came to a conclusion of his statement, he posed a question to the man and asked if he would take the leap of faith and attend the church service on the coming Sunday. The man had a choice, this choice was a simples yes or no. The man could either reply with a yes supplying the stranger with hope that more men and women would attend the service, or he could reply with a no. The man chose to reply to the stranger with a no. The stranger left the market and the man continued shopping. The man finished his shopping except for deli products, which he specifically ordered from the in-store deli and would need to be sliced while he waited. As the man waited for his deli on a small chair, which included a small table and one more empty chair, he was approached by a woman. This woman, by the keen observation of the man, was not wearing a wedding ring but seemed to be over thirty by his judgment. The woman was looking anxiously at the man, paused, then posed a question; “May I sit with you?†she said in a voice that seemed to mimic the anxiety she faced before asking the question. The man was faced with his third and final important choice of the night. He could either reply with a no which would leave the woman who had obvious attraction toward the man lonely and more sad than she had been before coming to the market, or he could reply with a yes and give the woman temporary satisfaction with little to no pain given to the man. The man replied with a no as he was very busy and his deli meats were finished being sliced. The scenario drawn about these important choices seem as if the choices made caused little to no harm, but who is to say they didn’t? The man never followed up on the bird, the stranger, or the woman. The choices made this day impacted the three characters in three different ways. The bird experienced an amount of physical pain due to the man’s choice of putting it out of its misery of being in pain. The stranger, after not being given a single yes that day began questioning his and others faith as it was a necessity to see new members join the church based off the visibly strong faith he once had for God. This caused the stranger to experience a pain spiritually. The woman, after being single for many years was about to quit dating and was even having thoughts of suicide based off her need for love in her life. The man’s decision placed the woman in a state of emotional pain. Three different types of pain, all from one choice made in the man’s life. These choices may not have been wrong in the eyes of the man, as they were something to be experienced in life on multiple occasions, but to the three characters the choices made were wrong. Your choice was wrong. The choice you made was rushed, and we both suffered for it. The simple choice made: me, or him. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
essence Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 I don't like the very first sentence. It feels like your telling the reader that their choices are always wrong. You say that the man was in an indecisive state of living, but it only appears in the second paragraph. It just feels unnecessary, though you could incorporate it in the rest of the essay. Like when he speaks to the religious man bring it up there. I think you should elaborate more each choice. IE: The bird, why did he empathize with it?... was it the death that he related to? Why did the man say no to the church service? Did he not want to take the leap of faith, was he to defeated from life its self? I would list out the 3 types of pain in the final paragraph. (Physical, emotional, and self esteem?). How can I slow down my choice to make it not rushed, so that we can both grow from it? Its really well written and pulled me in with the intro. Post a final copy when your done? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burnt Posted April 30, 2015 Author Share Posted April 30, 2015 I don't like the very first sentence. It feels like your telling the reader that their choices are always wrong. You say that the man was in an indecisive state of living, but it only appears in the second paragraph. It just feels unnecessary, though you could incorporate it in the rest of the essay. Like when he speaks to the religious man bring it up there. I think you should elaborate more each choice. IE: The bird, why did he empathize with it?... was it the death that he related to? Why did the man say no to the church service? Did he not want to take the leap of faith, was he to defeated from life its self? I would list out the 3 types of pain in the final paragraph. (Physical, emotional, and self esteem?). How can I slow down my choice to make it not rushed, so that we can both grow from it? Its really well written and pulled me in with the intro. Post a final copy when your done? I will post a final copy with the grade it receives as well. The intro I am still working on, as far as the descriptions the reason for his choices aren't the topic of the discussion but more-so the impact of these choices. "You say that the man was in an indecisive state of living, but it only appears in the second paragraph. It just feels unnecessary, though you could incorporate it in the rest of the essay. Like when he speaks to the religious man bring it up there." - This I will work on incorporating, thank you for the feedback and everything you said. I appreciate it 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CallMeEpic Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Come on guys. give em serious advice and help. This will make you get the highest grade. use it if u wanna be smart Should be "This man, sucked my donger. He was faced with three important choices that night. The first choice being, suck dictators donger. The second choice was, suck ascii's donger. The third and most obvious choice, suck my donger bitch. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freshyams Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Come on guys. give em serious advice and help. don't post for help in the general section of a gaming forum to ask for help with school work Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chicken Wings Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 its shit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
essence Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 Does your teacher allow second person (you) My teacher docs 15 points if used in any form of paper so I would double check that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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