My Recent Behavior

[Andrew Wilson]

Hello to everyone reading this forum post. I am here to speak about the way I have been acting on the server. For the last few weeks, I have been under high amounts of stress. I have anxiety about coronavirus, college, as well as my family life. I became stressed and would stop sleeping. As I stayed up longer, I began to deteriorate and unfairly took this irritability out on others. When someone made a negative comment to me, I would overreact and began to act erratically. This community I have been a part of for many years became my enemy in the last two weeks, and I tried blaming it on others. However, it was my own self that I realized was the problem. Instead of playing the game, I would fight with players, I would go onto the discord and get into fights with people over minor issues and did not realize what I was doing to people. When I was permanently muted for my chat messages, I decided to blame the staff and allege abuse when in reality I was given leniency and could have been muted much earlier. Those who I saw as friends became annoyed with me and I reacted by being extremely toxic towards them and others.

I see this community as a family, one that I go to when I want a supportive group of friends. My actions in the last few weeks were uncalled for, and it is inexcusable what I did to everyone here. I saw people cheer when I got muted, everyone wanted me banned, and it was all because of my behavior. I was toxic, and my sense of humor turned into something disgusting and rude, something that I should not have taken out on my online family. I did not know who to believe, and I was not sure if people were joking, trolling, or being serious. I lost my sense of reality and acted like it was all one big joke while my own friends started to notice how increasingly erratic I was getting.

I have been going to sleep as people are suggesting, attempting to learn from my mistakes, and starting a dialogue with those I have hurt the most. I wish to reach out to others and rebuild our relations so we can all have a much better experience on this server.

With that being said, I invite everyone to friend me on steam, or use Wilson#7315 to find me on discord. Because of my poor social skills, I often have trouble finding out whether someone is joking around or if they are angry at me. I invite you to start a conversation with me and help me to understand how to tell when you are being serious or when you are joking. I wish to rebuild relationships because this community is a second home to me, and I want to be a source of fun and laughter, and not the toxic individual I have been in the past couple of weeks.

[Snowyamur]

I think by sharing this, you are already showing signs of recovery from your stress and anxiety, while also improving yourself as a person.

To be aware of one's own problems is the first step towards recovery, and you accomplished that here. I don't blame you for what you are going through. The situation with the ongoing COVID-19 outbreak has affected everyone globally. Many people have lost their jobs, their freedoms, and worst of all, their loved ones. In a time of crisis, there's a reason to be mad, to grieve, to be stressed out, and to start falling apart, and I can guarantee you aren't alone on that.

Bringing this up helps clear up the reasoning behind your behavior noticed by myself and other admin on our ZS server, and I think it was very considerate of you to bring this up as an apology, because that shows you genuinely care about this community and show some remorse for your actions, something very few do.

With a crisis like this, it's hard for many to get together to discuss problems and resolve them, and we can only do so digitally now. But in a time like this, it has brought us closer together as people to make us humane enough to write up something like this, and you are one proof of this.

I hope you will recover well from this now knowing the faults you displayed. Stay safe, and stay healthy.

[Andrew Wilson]

19 hours ago, Snowyamur said:

I think by sharing this, you are already showing signs of recovery from your stress and anxiety, while also improving yourself as a person.

To be aware of one's own problems is the first step towards recovery, and you accomplished that here. I don't blame you for what you are going through. The situation with the ongoing COVID-19 outbreak has affected everyone globally. Many people have lost their jobs, their freedoms, and worst of all, their loved ones. In a time of crisis, there's a reason to be mad, to grieve, to be stressed out, and to start falling apart, and I can guarantee you aren't alone on that.

Bringing this up helps clear up the reasoning behind your behavior noticed by myself and other admin on our ZS server, and I think it was very considerate of you to bring this up as an apology, because that shows you genuinely care about this community and show some remorse for your actions, something very few do.

With a crisis like this, it's hard for many to get together to discuss problems and resolve them, and we can only do so digitally now. But in a time like this, it has brought us closer together as people to make us humane enough to write up something like this, and you are one proof of this.

I hope you will recover well from this now knowing the faults you displayed. Stay safe, and stay healthy.

Thank you for taking the time to read this through and understand my situation. I would like to add that, before I took notice of it myself, I was not even aware of how many people had a grievance with me. For the majority of people, it can be easy to assume that I do some things on purpose, and they often do not tell me anything. Because of my poor social skills, I missed all the social cues you gave to me that I was causing a problem, hence why I ask that people be more up front with me. In this case, the only ones I noticed who had a problem with me were the ones taking the more drastic action in which I knew I was in trouble, in the case of my ban from discord and my permamute on the server when normally I should be recognizing these things much earlier on. I do not always understand when someone has a problem with me, and it works better when someone directly tells me that they have a grievance so I understand they are being serious and that there is a problem.

Taking notice and speaking to me does a great deal for the better person I am fighting to become, and with each person like you that was aware of the problem before I was, each person that acknowledges it instead of assuming I know what I'm doing, I improve my social skills more. Hearing the issues people get from me is not always easy, but they build me back up in a way that improves the experience for people around me. In the different social circles I am a part of, just one person reaching out to me can help me understand how the group works and how I can go about fixing the problems to ensure I do not lose more friend groups. 

I wish I could change overnight like many others could, but for a long process, people like you are a large step in it. I can look back on my past self and notice the small improvements I make along the way as my friends, community, and family guide me through the process and help me to be a functioning member of a group. Experiences like this help me build something stronger. It opens my eyes to what I am doing and offers a unique perspective from someone who is much better versed in how they interact with others.

Edited April 1, 2020 by Andrew Wilson

[Vinny Mac]

Usually I don't try to make the time to read posts on here anymore due to the fact that well, everything I've said has been tossed out the window.

But at the same time, you've been on my radar, for the wrong reasons. Lot of the stuff you've done isn't right, and going out here and saying all of this won't make amends as quickly as you like.

And yet, I can say I know what's it like in some ways, from my own experience, and my friends. No one is made of iron, and we are all fallible. I'm glad you found the courage to seek out help, but do not stop there, better yourself a person now, and show us there's more to this than your apology here.

 

[Andrew Wilson]

1 hour ago, Vinny Mac said:

Usually I don't try to make the time to read posts on here anymore due to the fact that well, everything I've said has been tossed out the window.

But at the same time, you've been on my radar, for the wrong reasons. Lot of the stuff you've done isn't right, and going out here and saying all of this won't make amends as quickly as you like.

And yet, I can say I know what's it like in some ways, from my own experience, and my friends. No one is made of iron, and we are all fallible. I'm glad you found the courage to seek out help, but do not stop there, better yourself a person now, and show us there's more to this than your apology here.

 

That's the sad truth that I had to confront myself with a long time ago. My brain just wasn't right from the day I was born, undiagnosed autism is my guess. this is why I so desperately need to hear from people. I get almost no input from what would be considered a normal social interaction, people need to be extremely direct and tell me "I'm just kidding" or "im being serious" or I will just keep acting the way I do. That is what scares me the most, the fact that my brain was wired different from the start and I'm stuck in this loop of hurting people without knowing it. I have had this happen in other groups, and having someone be direct with me is how I made those small steps to get better and better. Thankfully, the way I acted in the past was much worse and is mainly not on this community, but it shows me I have hope for a change, and I want people to see that.

I have a limited understanding of it all, it's like I got teleported into a foreign country with no knowledge of their customs or language, no interpreters that understand how I normally act. They all assume I know every custom and that I am acting awkwardly on purpose or out of disrespect. That same fear and my lack of understanding of how normal people act is what worries me that people will not see the changes I notice in myself. I want to change myself and have fun like I see in every other player on this server, but in the end these are just words and I am going to have to go through years of learning how to interact with people. They never taught it in school and everyone simply picked it up while I was left on my own, not understanding anything they were talking about at all. It mystifies me when I see people talking on talk shows, movies, in real life, when they are in close friendships like those in police and fire departments. I pretend I am in their shoes and I have no idea where they get their next sentence from. It took me a long time to realize nobody knows how I work either.

I hate to say this, but I may never perform perfectly, I will always be different, but you and everyone else deserve something better than what I give you and I understand that but it frightens me not knowing where to go, what to say, what to do, how to tell what emotions people are feeling, like the worst nightmare playing over and over. That is why I have to talk to people, I have to absorb their personalities like a computer, study their mannerisms, but I also have to ask them constantly why they did this or that or what emotion they were feeling when they said something in a certain tone and the vast majority of people are not and quite honestly do not have to deal with me incessantly asking those questions, but anybody who is willing to talk or help me along would mean everything to me. Those little bits of information give me clues, they are never an entire blueprint for a human being, but I slowly and often painfully learn, person by person, mannerism by mannerism, each individual thing that is right and wrong. I want to be able to listen to someone speak, interpret what they said, and ask them if my interpretation was correct or if I need to improve, and how I can spot how they are feeling. 

As I said with snowy, just the act of replying gives me hope. I feel a breath of relief when someone acknowledges what I am saying, that they know I need help, and I wish the same can happen for everyone else who interacts with me, and it lets me know that you all are good people who genuinely care for me and want to see me change. I want people to feel safe and comfortable telling me what I can improve on. Criticism isn't always nice to hear, but it helps me avoid causing more pain down the road. You are always welcome to speak with me if you would like and we could come to an understanding of the specific things I did to make you uncomfortable.

[eclipse]

its ok man, people all make mistakes just shows you are  human and not some robot

everyone acts differently u shouldn't have to change who u are to fit in, just think about others feelings before you respond to someone/something in this community.

 

I have found that out the hard way myself... lol u arent the only one.

Edited April 2, 2020 by eclipse

[Snowyamur]

Honestly, before you made the post, I thought the ways you acted weeks ago were really how you were. I don't like to make assumptions, and making an assumption about whether someone's immaturity is attributed to poor social skills or Internet ambiguity doesn't work out well in the end, because if you get the assumption wrong, you run the risk of hurting someone you've never seen face to face. This is the kind of thinking I've established on my own whenever I'm online now and am reading what people say. Unless I'm talking to you face-to-face, I can't tell if how you're behaving is who you are, even when I can hear your voice through a microphone. The facial expressions and gestures tell me more than the voice.

But considering what's happening right now with the ongoing pandemic, the collapse of Wall Street and the U.S. economy, the millions of lost jobs, the deterioration of health care systems worldwide, and the U.S. education system under-fire as it works to make it "easier" for everyone, your stress is understandable, and I commend you for coming out and sharing this with us. It truly is a historic, but depressing, moment to be alive right now, but I believe we will make it through this in the end. Unfortunately, not everyone is going to survive this.

As for you, I can tell you're already on the road to becoming that "better person" you aspire to be, because you are revealing your faults and bringing them to light, which is always the first step. You've been on our ZS server, and you've seen the people Gmod Admin have to deal with everyday. I don't think you want to end up as those kinds of people, because those are people who haven't learned that the Internet, even with ambiguity, is no place to toy around. It is as dangerous as real life, even more so with unfortunate people around the world having their lives ruined by those who hide in the shadows. And with the ongoing pandemic, it's sickening that many still joke about COVID-19 under the guise of "relief through humor", but as someone who studies and researches coping mechanisms, that's a really messed up and ineffective coping mechanism, and it's a large offense against those families who's loved ones perished from COVID-19.

That aside, the fact that you took the time to write/type all that down shows to me you care about how you act, and how that affects others. You show a form of concern and empathy, and you'd be surprised how very little to no one shows that both online and offline. Self-improvement will take time, but you're already on your way.

[Andrew Wilson]

On 4/3/2020 at 7:18 PM, Snowyamur said:

Honestly, before you made the post, I thought the ways you acted weeks ago were really how you were. I don't like to make assumptions, and making an assumption about whether someone's immaturity is attributed to poor social skills or Internet ambiguity doesn't work out well in the end, because if you get the assumption wrong, you run the risk of hurting someone you've never seen face to face. This is the kind of thinking I've established on my own whenever I'm online now and am reading what people say. Unless I'm talking to you face-to-face, I can't tell if how you're behaving is who you are, even when I can hear your voice through a microphone. The facial expressions and gestures tell me more than the voice.

But considering what's happening right now with the ongoing pandemic, the collapse of Wall Street and the U.S. economy, the millions of lost jobs, the deterioration of health care systems worldwide, and the U.S. education system under-fire as it works to make it "easier" for everyone, your stress is understandable, and I commend you for coming out and sharing this with us. It truly is a historic, but depressing, moment to be alive right now, but I believe we will make it through this in the end. Unfortunately, not everyone is going to survive this.

As for you, I can tell you're already on the road to becoming that "better person" you aspire to be, because you are revealing your faults and bringing them to light, which is always the first step. You've been on our ZS server, and you've seen the people Gmod Admin have to deal with everyday. I don't think you want to end up as those kinds of people, because those are people who haven't learned that the Internet, even with ambiguity, is no place to toy around. It is as dangerous as real life, even more so with unfortunate people around the world having their lives ruined by those who hide in the shadows. And with the ongoing pandemic, it's sickening that many still joke about COVID-19 under the guise of "relief through humor", but as someone who studies and researches coping mechanisms, that's a really messed up and ineffective coping mechanism, and it's a large offense against those families who's loved ones perished from COVID-19.

That aside, the fact that you took the time to write/type all that down shows to me you care about how you act, and how that affects others. You show a form of concern and empathy, and you'd be surprised how very little to no one shows that both online and offline. Self-improvement will take time, but you're already on your way.

It makes me glad to see people know I am sincere, because I never know if people believe I'm joking or if I'm being serious. Seeing people get in trouble really did help me, because I realized the traits they possessed to get them kicked out were things I myself deeply hated, only to realize I acted just the same. What cannot be understood by others is what it is like to have very little control over your perception of the world. I do things I don't like but my brain makes it all show up as normal, things that are obviously immature, creepy, or mean aren't registered by me as such. All that happens is I talk seemingly normally and my friends start leaving me and people become more aggressive in my presence. The only way I could describe it is for a normal person to just talk with their friends normally but they all start using a secret code and strange facial expressions and voice tones, the person keeps talking and having fun but they act aggressive when the person thinks they are just joking around, then they all leave him and tell him he's acting up on purpose and that he's creepy and a real asshole. People seemingly cannot interpret me either, and I cannot blame them. All I can say is it is truly frightening to know you are the source of something bad but you never saw anything happen. I hurt the people closest to me and it pains me every time it happens because I have no switch saying I fucked up, which is why this will likely take many years to fix. People still cannot understand what I am saying and neither can I, but I am trying my best by asking people what they mean or why they are using a certain tone, which is commonly ignored but occasionally someone notices I'm being serious and helps me out.