Dolphin's Terrible Guide to Pointwhoring

[Dolphin_]

Points. I know you want 'em. How do you get them? It's simple,  ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶s̶h̶o̶o̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶z̶o̶m̶b̶i̶e̶s̶,   ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶b̶u̶i̶l̶d̶ ̶c̶a̶d̶e̶s̶  and lastly you leech off the poor human team's back. Yes you heard me, we're gonna be complete and utter pieces of shits just to make some virtual non-existent points. Now you may be wondering "I don't know man, I think the other players won't like it if I'm in it for self gain." Well to answer your question I will have to say that NOBODY CARES HUN, just like nobody cares about this guide. Now before we start this guide, you have to understand that this stuff is some elite pointwhoring, only scumbags like me will be fine doing this.

Ok enough chit-chat, I'll explain how we'll organise this guide. The first team we'll be discussing is the Human team and next is Zombie team. I'll then recommend some profitable guns, items, traits, etc. In this guide we won't be delving too deep into traits and stuff because it make this guide a lot more confusing than it already is. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that this guide is clearly just for satirical purposes, and don't blame me that all the players are all pointwhoring losers now K thx bye :3

Human Team

The human team has a variety of ways to pointwhore, like repairing, which we'll be discussing first.

Repairing is very cost-effective and helpful for the human team. It helps keep the cade healthy and ready for the human team, and believe it or not, barely any does this. Well, sometimes. Repairing is extremely simple, like if you don't know how to do this you actually suck at the game ( ̶S̶a̶m̶e̶ ̶a̶p̶p̶l̶i̶e̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶m̶e̶). But, if you literally don't know how to repair a freaking prop, I'll tell you.

1. Get a hammer

2. Find a prop that has been nailed down and needs repairing

3. Hold left click

and there we have it, this is how we repair a cade.

Now I know you may be asking "pls help, instructions unclear, dick stuck in toaster", well too bad, we're moving on.

Monopolising with an arsenal crate or resupply crate can get you a lot of points. This is more of a side pointwhore - you should be doing something other than just staring at your crate and begging people to buy from your crate. You should repairing, shooting, whatever you want while monopolising for maximum profit.

Healing is a very poo-poo way to pointwhore but it's pretty goo-goo when x1.5 or dp is on. It's probably one of the least efficient in terms of pointwhoring, but it really helps the human team. By that I mean it keeps the goo-goo ga-gas from whining. Unfortunately, this method can get really costly since 50 med power costs 20 each, and you'll probably only get around 10 points return (that's if 5 medpower = 1 point). This is why healing is really only good if there's dp or something like that. Now of course, you can waste even more points by getting the surgeon trait but I digress, and I also think I'm wrong BUT needless to say, healing is really good if you're also doing other things like shooting or repairing, like me. You can also buy more medpower at the starting pointshop (but who would honestly waste the starting points for medpower).

All in all, in terms of pointwhoring, healing isn't really profitable, I usually LOSE points instead of gain, but to be honest, I can compromise, healing is very important in zs. But unfortunately, I wish I could say that to the next one.

"Taking" is the most greedy thing to do in the game, and when I mean "taking" I mean grabbing dropped goods, like ammo or guns. The most doucheist thing to do is to just wait for someone to die while you are literally holding a medkit, but in terms of pointwhoring this does not matter. Stealing someone's stuff is the most profitable when someone dies with a t3 - t6 gun, but other tiers are still as profitable as long as you have the ammo for the said gun, so make sure to take the ammo as well.

This one varies, as it depends on what loot you get. But still, this one still deserves to be on the list. Unfortunately, I might not say the same with the next.

Solo-cading varies on how well and long you survive. Grabbing a tier 6 is the most profitable but most dangerous since you might not last long enough to use up all of your ammo. Getting some explosives as well can really boost the profiting and that's about it. I can't really say much about this one other than it's a pain to break through for us zmainers, and you should just stop. Just like the next one.

Jug, just, jug. I think we all know what this one is about. The pinnacle of frustration and vast disappointment. Of course, being jug is fun, but Jug kinda sucks now (and I can't describe how), like how you'll probably only gain 300-400 as jug, which obviously varies from person to person, but this is about the average for a human. All in all jug is just a frustration for us zmainers to handle.

ZE (Zombie Escape) are the series of maps where you purchase a gun for 10 - 25 and you escape from the zombie (nuh duh) that have a couple thousand hp in them. Luckily for you, you can deal a good amount of damage yourself and you can slow them down when hit, remember the slowing down part. You also get a free incendiary grenade (type !he for more) which can boost your points by 20-100 depending on how much zombies you hit. Now, let's get back to your gun. You have the gun for a reason - shoot. Depleting a zombies entire health yourself can earn you up to 30 points per zombie. Depleting an entire mag is about 5 - 10 points return, this obviously varies from gun to gun. Did I forget to mention that your ammo is infinite? So yeah, make sure to help defend your zombies, you can easily make 100 - 200+ points if you do.

Zombie Team

The definition of profit. There is no way to lose points other than upgrading cards. So let's dig in shall we?

Destroying nailed props is not a very practical way of pointwhoring as zombie, but this one should still be discussed. It's simple really, just find a nailed prop that's within the vicinity of the human team (if you aren't close to the humans you won't gain points) and damage the props. You'll probably only get 50 - 80 points as zombie doing this, but profit's still profit, amiright?

Hitting humans is the most profitable thing to do, period. I'm not kidding, you can get about 30 points if you kill a single human on your own, and you can make about 10 points (I would say) per hit as a normal zombie. This isn't 100% accurate of course, but I think it's about right. Going in as bloated or poison headcrab can REALLY boost your profit, and I mean REALLY. going in as any poison zombie would be the way to go for MAXIMUM POINTWHORE, and luckily for us pointwhoring zmains we get the beautiful Bullsquid, a sexy creature. Moving forward, this is genuinely the most profitable thing to do in the game, I'm not lying. I usually get around 200-300 points per map as zombie by doing this (and of course destroying cades would contribute to this as well). This is one of the easiest ways to pointwhore, as it is the one of the main things you should do as zombie, like destroying cades.

Being a zombie is just the two methods above this. Sorry :/

ZE would also be very profitable for the zombie team. Just make sure you are not behind and most importantly hit the humans, I wish I could say that for obj. If you are having trouble catching up to the humans, I would suggest getting better at ze. This'll get you up to 400 points if you are a skilled enough zombie player.

Profitable Stuffs

This manly applies to humans, but I'll also add in zombie traits to this. If you also have other profitable guns, etc that aren't on the list, please leave a comment suggesting that weapon or trait.

T1

• ricochet revolver
• glock

T2

• Sprayer uzi
• Akbar assault rifle
• Ender shotgun

T3

• Tiny slug rifle
• Reaper ump
• Doom shotgun

T4

• Majester
• Adonis
• Rejuvenator

T5

• Raygun
• Destructor shotgun
• Evil long double barrel shotgun

T6

• Hurricane
• Grenade launcher

Other

• Katana
• Mega masher
• Sawhack (double or single)
• Zweihander
• Claymore
• Det - pack
• Suicide bomb
• Slam trip mine
• Grenade
• Arsenal pack
• Resupply crate

Zombie traits

• extended claws
• fury rush

Conclusion

Pointwhoring is a very important aspect in zombie survival. It is also the definitive definition of HG ZS. So next time someone asks what HG ZS is reply with "pointwhoring", they will definitely understand, trust me. I hope to see you pointwhoring soon, fellow pointwhores.

 

Writer's note

I would like to take this moment to tell you guys that I am probably incorrect with some of the facts, and therefore I would like to ask you guys to help me correct them by messaging me, replying, whatever. This is my first time making something like this so I would like it if you guys go easy for me, I'm not forcing you to, just asking. I would also like to remind you that this is for satirical purposes, but you may feel free to follow this guide if you want. I'll also be updating this guide from time to time, adjusting each of them, adding some more, etc. So don't forget to check guide every now and then.

*Unrelated image of a bullsquid*

Edited January 21, 2019 by Dolphin_
added a whole new section

[Techyyy]

I learned that I'm both an Asshole and retarded for "Stealing", when it isn't really stealing but more of, oh someone died outside the cade like an idiot I'm gonna  be an bigger idiot and run out there to grab it while a fuckton of zombies are still out there or Silent/Lady Luck is out there with their "LEVEL 90-FUCKING-9" Zombie

Edited January 19, 2019 by Techyyy

[Dolphin_]

welcome to the club. I'll also change it to "taking" instead of "stealing" since it doesn't really fit in now that I think about it

[pho-]

Great guide, helped me reach 1 million points

[Fume Knight]

Inaccurate guide, akbar is the best weapon in the game from wave 2 to wave 6. Jk, cool guide mang

[welchnome]

why is this in the rules?

[Lynxx]

On the T5 section you forgot the Tau Cannon. On average, I profit 500-700 points when using the weapon, however that might just be because I upgraded it. The TAU Cannon is a dumbed down version of the gluon IMO, which is why I use it. 45 damage a body shot, ~100 damage per headshot, with nearly no delay between shots and no heat or cooldown or reload to worry about. I have done over 50000 damage with the gun in one game, so yea, might want to include, but I understand it is a hit or miss weapon, as you need a SHIT TON of ammo for it to work.

[Lady Luck]

Fury rush is garbage.  Go For eviscerate, extended claws then ruin.

[Uni]

I usually get storm assault rifle